ApExPOSED 2008 – T-1 day and counting or “Don’t mock the afflicted…They suffer so!”

Doug Gault PERFORMANCE, Uncategorized Leave a Comment

I’m sitting in the lobby of the Chicago O’Hare Wyndham hotel, waiting for the receptionist to signal that my room has been cleaned and is ready for occupancy. In the mean time I thought I would have a little rant about bus drivers.

I have noticed that, an inordinate amount of the time, shuttle bus drivers share a particularly obscure and annoying disease. This disease lies frighteningly dormant right up to the point they turn the key and begin to accelerate. Then some kind of bus driver specific epilepsy seems to grasp hold of them sending their right leg into convulsions. These seemingly uncontrollable convulsions causing their use of the accelerator to become spasmodic and pulsing, sending the bus into mild thrusting shudders similar to that of a boat bouncing mild waves.

In some drivers the epilepsy is so severe that the bus lurches forward every three seconds, bringing your lunch up to your throat and making you wish you’d packed the Dramamine you usually only bring when heading on a cruise. God help those that are easily affected by motion sickness, which thankfully I am not!

My shuttle driver from O’Hare to the hotel had one of the most pronounced cases I have ever experienced. From my seat in the rear of the bus, I could actually see not only his foot, but his whole leg twitching and bouncing on the accelerator. I was not the only one that seemed to notice. Shortly after the bus left the relative safety of it’s parking space, the slight framed woman sitting a few seats ahead of me grabbed the back of the seat directly in front of her and remained white-knuckled until we arrived at the hotel. As I departed the bus her husband was gingerly trying to reassure her as he dug her fingernails out of the back of the seat.

I don’t know what this disease is called, but its spreading and it must be stopped. I’ll be talking to my doctor friends once I get home to see if there is a foundation to which I can direct these poor souls to for help.

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